


Ianto's Diary

by szm



Series: After the End [1]
Category: Torchwood
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-21
Updated: 2012-03-21
Packaged: 2017-11-02 08:06:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/366827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/szm/pseuds/szm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(moved from lj)</p><p>After Ianto is gone, Jack keeps his diary going.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ianto's Diary

**Author's Note:**

> This is a little bit darker than I normally write. I blame CoE for this.

Hi ya Ianto,

Do you remember when I found out about your diary? I asked you why in the day and age of digital media you had a paper and ink diary. You just raised your eyebrow at me, the way that just made me want to ravish you right there, you had quite a few looks that did that to me; I’m going to have to list them all in here somewhere. Anyway you raised your eyebrow and told me that you’d spent most of your adult life working for an organisation that could and did wipe memories and computer records on a whim. The surprise, you said, wasn’t that you kept a hard copy of your thoughts; it was that you didn’t keep more than one.

I bet you did keep more than one. I could only find this one, but I bet you’ve got four or five squirreled away around Cardiff. It would appeal to you I think. To have someone find it years from now, to know that in some way you’d be remembered.

You told me some of the story about your mom, and I dug up the rest. I know why that was important to you.

I’m going to remember you Ianto, I promise. And this is going to help me keep a hold of the details.

**

Hey Ianto,

God this world is so _small_! It never felt like this before. Back when I was waiting for the Doctor it felt so fucking big. Knowing he could turn up anywhere, that I could miss him so easily. Now I can’t turn a corner without seeing you. I can’t look at anything without wondering what you’d think of it. Or worse, what Stephen would think of it.

Gwen told me before I left that it wasn’t my fault. That I didn’t have a choice. But what was it you used to say. “There’s always a choice.” You were right, I made a choice. I wish I knew if it was right or wrong. The way Alice looked at me, the way I look at _myself_ now. 

And the world carries on. Just like they didn’t sell their kids to save themselves. I don’t know if anything is worth saving anymore Ianto. And if nothing is worth saving, then why did I kill my grandson?

Would you be able to forgive me? God knows you’ve forgiven me enough in the past. Gwen did, and I think I might hate her a little bit for it.

Gwen’s fine by the way. Mother and baby doing well. She found out about your Dad. It hurt her I think. Made her feel like she didn’t know you at all. I saw her face when I told her what I did. She’s realised she didn’t know me either. She clinging to Rhys now I think, I’m glad she has him. He really is the best human being I know. 

I have a confession to make to you. But I don’t think I can yet.

You’re dead and I’m still hiding from you.

**

Hi,

I miss you. Not just the sex, but I really _really_ miss that too. I miss the way you laughed too much at Paul O’Grady. The man was just not that funny! I miss the welsh nursery rhymes you used to sing to Myfanwy when you thought you were alone in the Hub.

Yes Ianto, I heard you. And I never told you because I loved them and I was afraid you might stop.

I loved you. I love you. I never said that out loud did I? I don’t think you would have believed me if I did.

It scares me, how much I’d give to have you back. 

 

**

Ianto,

It’s been six months. I know what I have to do now. I can’t stay; I can’t travel far enough on earth.

Can’t run far enough.

That confession? I’m going to make it now.

I just took a deep breath, how stupid was that?

In that moment, that moment when I knew you were going to die? I’d have given them all up. I’d have given up every child on earth if they could have reversed what they had done to you.

What kind of hero am I?

I never really understood the risk you took with Lisa. I’m not sure I would have taken a risk like that, even for Rose. Even for the Doctor. Maybe not even for Gray. But for you I would have sent the whole world to hell. Just to keep you with me, just that little bit longer. 

I want you here, to smile at me, to shout at me. To pick me up when I’m being stupid. To kiss me.

Shit, I’m crying. I’m going to blur the ink.

I’m going to find them. The 456 are a race, they have a planet. I’m going to find it, if it takes me forever. I’m going to find it Ianto, and it’s going to burn. I can’t tell Gwen, she’d try to talk me out of it.

It’s easy to get off this planet, far easier than I ever had you believe. And it turns out that without you I can’t find a reason to stay. I never thought of you as my sole reason for being here, you weren’t. But maybe you were the main one.

I’m going to stand up to them Ianto.


End file.
